Helping Children Understand Death, Loss and Grief

The child who is understood and loved can himself
give understanding and love now and throughout life.
                                                                   — Earl A. Grollman

There are four keys to helping children come to terms with loss:
information, emotional expression, tenderness and reminiscing.
                                                                  — Charles Smith, Wonder to Wisdom

When children lose a parent, a brother or sister, or a close friend, they need help to understand death and to cope with the grief they feel and see in others. Frequently, parents are so emotionally drained by their own grief that finding words and actions to comfort a child is difficult. Many parents remain silent in an effort to protect children — yet the children sense even unspoken pain. Clear and honest explanations help children accept emotional distress and develop an understanding of death, loss and grief.

There are specific actions that parents and other adults can take that will help children who are grieving.

1. Understand that each child grieves individually, in a personal way at a personal pace. The child's age will affect the degree to which the loss is understood as "real" and permanent. Let the child be your teacher about his or her individual experience.
   

2. Give accurate, honest information about the death. Explain the cause of death. Do not be afraid to use the words "dead" and "dying". Children are often confused by such terms as "he passed away," "he went to a better place," or "he left us." Explain to young children that death means that the person's body does not work any longer. It will not talk, walk, move, see, or feel anything. The dead person can no longer eat, drink or laugh. Explain that death is permanent and that the person will not come back.

3. Talk to the child about his or her own feelings. Explain that feelings of sadness, loneliness, anger, isolation, confusion and guilt are all natural feelings to have after someone you love dies. Try to help the child understand that experiencing all these different emotions is part of grieving. Encourage the child to talk about feelings but never force such a communication.

4. Share your emotions with the child. Talk about your own sadness and why you are sad. The child can learn from you that it is okay to grieve openly and express a wide range of feelings. You can be a strong role model for giving the child permission to grieve.

5. Explain to the child that nothing the child ever said or did contributed to the death. Children often believe that they can cause bad things to happen to others, and they need to be told over and over that they are not responsible.

6. If the child has lost a parent, reassure the child that the surviving parent will continue to love and care for the child.

7. Young children often ask, "Will I die too?" Explain that death is not contagious. Help the child to understand that the fact that one person died does not mean that the child, or others close to the child, will also die right away. Point out that most people die as they get older, not when they are young.

8. Talk to the child about the funeral and the visitation. Explain clearly what will happen. Allow the child to be a part of the planning for these activities, but do not force such participation. Help the child to understand that he or she is a valuable member of the family.

9. Keep your life as much like it used to be as possible. Continue with day-to-day activities — school, church, sports, etc. Try to eat meals on a regular schedule. Maintain a bedtime routine. Children feel more secure when there is some predictability and routine in their lives. A familiar schedule helps them to understand that life will continue for them and for their families.

10. Encourage the child to engage in play and expressive activities such as drawing, storytelling, music, puppetry and writing. Children often lack the verbal skills for expressing feelings, but they can be often successful at expressing those feelings in ways other than talking. By creating opportunities for such expression, you will help the child express feelings in appropriate ways rather than through inappropriate behavior.

11. Sometimes children are comforted by writing a letter to the person who has died, particularly if the death was sudden. Ask, "If there had been time to say goodbye, what would you like to have said?" You can assist with writing the letter. Sometimes children may want to show the letter to other family members as an expression of caring for the person who died.

12. Encourage the child to talk about memories and "special times" with the person who died. Making a memory book or memory box can be a healing activity. Memories are an important part of healing. Talking about memories helps children to know that they can and will always remember the person who died.

13. Sometimes children get reassurance and comfort from other children who have experienced a loss. Children's support groups help to remove the feeling of isolation and build a feeling of community with other bereaved children. (Hospice of Wake County, Inc., offers children's support groups through Reflections, A Caring Program for Children, 828-0890.)

14. Provide books on grief and loss as helpful resources for your child. Good resource books are available for every age group. Hospice of Wake County, Inc., through Reflections (828-0890) offers a lending library service.

15. Talk about healthy ways of coping with angry feelings. Show the child how you cope with your own angry feelings in appropriate ways by hitting a pillow, writing in a journal, getting vigorous physical exercise, etc. Explain that acting angrily towards other people, either with disrespectful words or actions, will only get the child in trouble and make him or her feel worse.

16. Let the child know that you are always available to listen. Remember to be flexible. Listen to the way the child feels. Do not try to tell the child how to feel.

17. Be patient and understanding in the face of repeated questions. Children need to hear the same "story" over and over again. They will often ask the same questions repeatedly.

18. If you are concerned about your child's way of coping, seek professional help. Children who have experienced numerous losses, traumatic or violent deaths can be overwhelmed and benefit greatly from one-on-one professional help. Reflections can make referrals if you need assistance.

Caring adults can make a big difference to children struggling with death, loss and grief. Children need reassurance from the adult world that they are loved and valued. Warmth and openness can encourage children to talk about what they are experiencing and can help them learn that dying is a natural part of life, just like birth and growing up.

Toni James-Manus, M.Ed., M.P.H.