Normal Manifestations of Grief

NORMAL FEELINGS
1. Overwhelming sadness
2. Anger: at person who died, medical staff, religious establishment, other family members
3. Guilt: anger at oneself
4. Shock/Numbness
5. Yearning
6. Anxiety: ranging from slight sense of insecurity to panic
7. Loneliness and sense of social isolation
8. Helplessness/Lack of control
9. Relief
10. Resentment that “life goes on” for others

PHYSICAL SENSATIONS
1. Feeling of emptiness in the stomach
2. Lump in the throat
3. Tightness in the chest
4. Feeling of weakness
5. Palpitations
6. Shaking
7. Dryness of the mouth
8. Over-sensitivity to noise
9. Breathlessness

COGNITIONS
1. Disbelief
2. Confusion and disorientation
3. Forgetfulness
4. Sense of presence
5. Hallucinations: see, smell, or hear the person, particularly in familiar settings
6. Need to retell the details of the loss again and again
7. Dreams

BEHAVIORS
1. Sleep disturbances: inability to sleep, early awakening
2. Appetite disturbances
3. Absent-minded behavior
4. Searching and calling out
5. Screaming
6. Crying
7. Restlessness
8. Sighing
9. Irritability, feeling “on edge”

Feelings Associated With Grief

No two people experience grief exactly the same way, yet there are similarities in the feelings people experience when they are grieving. These feelings may differ in intensity or in duration depending on the person. For example, one person may experience shock for a few hours while another person is in shock for several days or weeks. One person might experience anger more strongly than guilt; another person might experience intense guilt and hardly experience any anger at all. This is all normal.
The feelings listed are not experienced in any particular order except for the fact that shock is most often the first feeling experienced, and that we are trying to move through our grief to arrive at acceptance at the end.

• Shock: Whether the death of a loved one is sudden or expected, people usually experience a period of shock when it occurs. When people are in shock, they feel neither happiness nor sadness. It may seem as if things aren't real. There may be a sense of disbelief. People have fragmented memories of things that happened when they were in shock. They may remember the faces of the people at the funeral, but nothing about what was said. There may be a sense of apathy, of not caring one way or the other about decisions that need to be made.

• Anger: People who have lost loved ones will often feel intense anger. They may be angry at the person for deserting them. They may be angry at God for taking their loved one from them. They may be angry at the medical professionals for not being able to do more to keep their loved one from dying. This is a normal part of the grieving process.

• Guilt: Feeling guilty is also a normal part of grieving. You may feel guilty for not doing more to encourage your loved one to seek medical attention earlier. You may have things you wish you had said before the person died. You may wish you had done more to help make them comfortable during the final days or hours of their life. Some people feel guilty because they have a sense of relief that the person is dead, and no longer suffering. Others feel guilty when they try to reinvest their lives; when they laugh or do something that they enjoy. They feel that somehow they are devaluing the memory of their loved one by starting a life of their own.

• Sadness: This is the most common emotion associated with bereavement and can often be intense. Any little thing can trigger the tears such as seeing something that reminds you of the person you lost, doing something alone that you used to do together, or having someone ask you about your loved one. People are uncomfortable with tears, yet tears are a natural part of grieving. It is okay to cry.

• Hopelessness: When people are in the midst of grief, they often feel like they will never get over it. They develop a sense of hopelessness, like they are stuck in their grief. People do, however, get through the grieving process. Things will never be like they were before, but the intensity of the emotions will lessen with time. There is hope at the end of grief. People do reinvest their lives and find new activities and new people to do things with. Support groups have helped a lot of people deal with their feelings of hopelessness. Grief is an almost universal experience. There are others out there who are dealing with these same emotions and can share their experiences with others. People do get through their grief.